me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
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What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
When the stylist spins you back around
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.