Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
You Might Also Like
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Customize Your Wedding.