“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
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[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies