The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
You Might Also Like
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Europe. Made in Germany.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.