Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
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1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
no one ever comes back
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here