my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
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Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?