Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
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That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware