I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
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“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.