I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
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If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.