If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
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So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!