Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
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Liquor Store Parking
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?