My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
#SCOTUS one-star review
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Admin smashed it 😂
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Britain be like
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob