I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
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You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Happens to everyone.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism