*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
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therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox