*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
You Might Also Like
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”