You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
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If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok