sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
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Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit