Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
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My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Encore…
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk