I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
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My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie