Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
You Might Also Like
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.