Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
You Might Also Like
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup