Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
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Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.