Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
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Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?