Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
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Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks