sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
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You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Nothing to do, you say?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Called it
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby