Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
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The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.