I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
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[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Every time my phone rings
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon