My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
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People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….