My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
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I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
no!! no!!!!!!
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though