I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
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If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
When your man makes a valid point
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.