Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
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I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast