THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
You Might Also Like
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage