ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
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Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.