I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
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After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Plant care tips
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
😬
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
What the hell is going on?
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.