Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
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My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
All excellent questions
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.