Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
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Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen