me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
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[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Yup.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?