I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
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My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”