I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
repaired
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes