I’m putting together a team
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*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
This line from Airplane.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.