I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
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Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work