If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
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My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.