Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
You Might Also Like
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Boom, boom, ching!
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Cha-ching is my safe word
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.