Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
You Might Also Like
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that