I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
You Might Also Like
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
shit, they caught us—run!!!
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
My favorite farside!!
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!