Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
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*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
what kind of cook setting is this??
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
All generalizations are stupid.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I’m not alone. I have ants.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent