I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
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In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*