Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
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A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.