I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
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[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
twitter is a journey
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why