Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
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i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon